for you, when you realize

hearts beat faster than we're breathing, I suspect

I couldn't really hear them, 

but I could hear our knees tapping

against the hard plastic of lawn chairs

our eyes meet and it's a contest,

I'm drowning in a sea of broken, glassy green,

begging to be held, 

I know I'm seen,

what are we waiting for? I wonder,

willing to wait, willing to wish away 

wish away all the dew on the grass

all the foggy mornings and late-night-cheese-fries,

until we can be together and I can breathe,

breathe like my heart underwater 

like my brain on jupiter,

every inhale for me,

every exhale for us,

one-two, I think, one-two,

and I can feel our knees touching purposelessly,

folding into one another like gravity,

we can't help it,

they're trying to stop us,

mosquitoes swarming for a drop of sweet blood

hot blood pumping through me, 

iron singing to both of us,

we have no defenses.

worst case scenario

worst case scenario,
you look at me, submitting yourself like you always do,
reading me like a doctor's diagnosis.
you'll laugh at all my jokes and question my logic
frequently, probably,
but I appreciate it
worst case scenario,
I drive and won't look over at you,
focused on the road and my foot on the pedal,
but you'll probably drive
and look at me for a second too long
and I'll break contact to remind you to look at the road
worse case, you'll listen to me
and I'll listen to you
magnets spinning around each other
only to be separated before they finally make contact
we're magnets, aren't we? I think so.
I'm never afraid to be with you,
but I'm afraid of myself
I'm afraid I'm nailing myself to the ground
and I'll be stuck here forever, waiting.
worst case scenario,
I'll be nailed to the ground,
but I know you'll always come back.
anyway,
it doesn't bother me,
but last time I cried on the drive home,
alone and wiping my face, one hand on the steering wheel
I just let my sobs fill the space around me,
and they held me like a blanket.
I don't know why I was crying,
I guess anyone cries in a worst case scenario,
even if it's the kind that leaves you breathless and grateful and comfortable,
I can't think of best-case,
I can't be disappointed.

a letter

Dear Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups,

I’ve been wanting to write to you for some time—I know my absence is likely worrying you, but it was too difficult to make contact before now. Every time I think of you, I’m filled with a hauntingly familiar lust that fills my chest and pools in my fingertips. It’s silly, I know—maybe we were more obsessed with one another than “in love,” maybe the relationship was parasitic, as so many people tell me. I credit you with both saving my life and with slowly killing me. Two years ago we were in the exciting and (somewhat) exhausting phase of new love, and I couldn’t get enough of you. I felt to some extent that you reciprocated. Nobody satisfies me quite like you do, still, after all this time. I try to brush thoughts of your comforting presence aside, remembering the tools you used to control me. You were manipulative, paired with the Devil himself, as they say, leading me “carefully down to Hell,” taking my heart with your added sugars and tempting taste of toasted peanuts. The day I decided to leave you left me paralyzed, tucking myself under my bed-quilt, forcing myself to curb my appetite until I finally fell asleep in a state of near-illness. How did I ever let it go so far? But this is turning to emotional assault, see, I never wanted to hurt you, and I still don’t—I admire your perfection, and perhaps it’s too much for my uncontrolled passion to truly receive. Even now, as I write, I realize that I’ll never be truly free of you. I tried to pry myself away from you slowly, tasting, restraining, but it always turned into bags and the bags turned into pounds, and I knew cold-turkey was the only way to truly cut free.

I’m sorry for leaving. Sometimes I still regret it. Sometimes I think I can still taste you…

What it was to be drunkenly controlled by you, putting all my trust and pouring all my emotions into you. I never had a lover so reliable, so fulfilling. My mind in a sugary haze floated above all my hurt and everything seemed like the foam atop a latte for a while,

but I’m here now, and I got here without you. I’m not boasting, only validating my own decisions, knowing that my wounds were only blistering in infection when I was so distracted by you. I can still see the scars, and it’s tempting to come back to you, when everything seems fine, but I’ll try to remember the past.

For now, I send my condolences. Don’t think too hard on me,
Kalli

back to the same place

I want you to know everything. 

This always happens, I don't know why I'm running myself in circles,

I don't know why I'm always distracted just long enough to derail myself,

and I come back to you every time.

I want to tell you how you made me try harder,

how your smile always makes me feel loved x1000,

and I'm a magnet when you're by my side

My brain is pulling on my heart-leash,

bruising it and suffocating it,

and all I want is to let it off and let it run free

but last time I did that you left it to the beasts

they almost nearly devoured it,

left it in a shredded bloody mess on the ground

and I ran to pick it up and heal it in solitude

but it's the same beating heart

with the same impulses,

and you can't teach an old heart new tricks--

I need a new heart but they are too expensive

and I'm okay with this one for now

Can you catch it when I let it loose?

grandma florence

Grandma Florence, it was just a headache. 

Deserts of Nevada and four babies and a giant headache.

All her insecurities, all her failures, all her successes.

The house over the freeway.

1-15 is my heritage.

How much do they pay people for houses when they need a freeway

Public roads and voting

Memories and things, relationships with each other plaster onto relationships with things and with the universe

Driving through Nevada and looking at the slate colored walls and neon signs thinking, Florence, why here? Why him? 

this is fiction

the freckles lined her lips, tracing them with spots of fairy dust and sun-memories. whispering, whispering, she stared at him with hazy eyes, foggy from sleep and drifting into submission. he combed her hair back, the dark wisps pulling away from her eyelashes, making her shiver run down the back of her neck and eat at her insides. shh, shh, she thought she heard, and she lifted her fingers, tracing his ear, wondering where did he come from? why was he here? he winced and took her fingers from his neck, holding them and staring, tracing the spaces between like they used to do in church. it had been so long, but he felt familiar and warm, and she missed him. she missed the grass, and the games, she missed the running that made her insides heave and the scrapes from the sidewalk, the wet cement and incriminating laughter. she missed the rope burns and the plotting, the butterfly jars--she missed summer and the heat and the carelessness. don't leave, she told him, don't leave. when he brushed her cheek she smelled sunscreen and paint on his hands, so familiar she wanted to reach out and hold onto it. his hand was wet from her tears, the tears she didn't know were there until they smeared against his hands. he didn't bother to wipe them off, and he smiled sadly at her, pulling her up and rolling her onto her back, tucking a blanket around her. are you cold? she nodded, and he added another blanket. he stared at her for what seemed to her an hour, in her incoherence, and then touched her forehead and sighed. he turned, slowly, intentionally, and walked towards the door, glancing back at her before he took hold of the doorknob and closed it. she felt the tears running hot down her face now, fast, stinging her sunburned cheeks. she closed her eyes and imagined him away, imagined it all away, until her mind was nothing but wisps of darkness and bright spots of light, swarming together in a garden of emotion, sinking itself into oblivion. the more it swirled the more the pressure built in her brain and she forced herself to breathe, keep her eyes closed, ignore the tears. she felt the bed under her and let it swallow her, let it open up and take her in, and she gave way to the hole in her mind and slept. 

I have to go to the store

grocery list

attracted to people whose attention I can't get
a circus monkey performing for an apathetic audience
serenity vs excitement, passion vs stability,
when can you be happy
my biggest fear in life is being boring
false sense of intimacy when you're sharing your trauma
don't take my behavior personally
it's just oxytocin
you having a life isn't a rejection
loving myself is so much harder
it's not helping, nothing's helping
here we go boys, here's another one

strain

keep it real keep it cool keep it calm

my hands are at my sides but my head is in my heart; I'm never sure what to think about it but I'm telling myself to take it at face value. I'm never sure what I want, I'm sure for a moment and then you wrap yourself around me like some sort of hypnotic snake--scaly, enticing, poisonous. Venom like sweet syrup dripping down my throat, slowly, so I'm part of you, but enough to rot my insides one organ at a time.

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT

You're lying and I can tell, you're a con-artist with no perceivable goal. Trading weapons with yourself, you're stuck in business with no profit and you're dragging yourself slowly down and taking me with you. I trust you, and I'm foolish for it. Quiet, please, leave me alone,

leave     me     alone

numbers adding up, slowing down, what for, who am I trying to please, what is pleasure and what do I want? Your appetite is eating me, chewing away at my skin until I become what? what do you want? I'm not sure if I can be good enough for you, I just want you to be happy...

1 2  5  9 14  19  26  31  40     45

hoo-ah hoo-ah I need your help and I can't live without you

static

the thoughts in my mind stopped dancing for a minute

I thought it would be terrifying

but the cool droplets of relief hit my tortured skin

and I'm letting out a breath that I've been holding in for

centuries,

I'm floating on top of a turquoise sea

sunshine kissing my eyelids

my pupils resting beneath their cover

my ears taking in the constant pitch of sunshine

and the underlying harmony of the water

my heart beats slower now

allowing me my pace

echoing throughout every chamber of my body

a rhythm I didn't understand until now

the song floating gently to my toes

beginning in my throat and finding escape 

in my veins

I like it here

the pride I'm feeling is a medal under my shirt

I've been afraid to show it until now

I try to force myself into chaos,

but I know what's real 

nothing gives you more power

control

than the separation of reality 

and imagination

each realm equally open to be explored

conquered, lived in--

but existing separately,

exhaling clarity and revealing

truth

TIL

I learned that hispanic women call me "lady" and old women call me "sweetheart,"

to young men I'm "miss" and to old men I'm "young lady"

The lady across the street calls me "darling" and my mom only calls me on weekends

I have a lot of people who call me "friend,"
and a couple who think I'm "the best,"

sometimes I'm "sister" and sometimes I'm "girl,"

When I'm joking I call myself "homie"

and I never really understood when you called me "dude" 

Today I learned that I shrug off the good names, 

shy away from respect,

dance with casual titles and sip raspberry tea with generalities

Today I learned that I'm hiding behind your name

hiding behind a phone call

I think you deserve more.

fast words nonsense and instability

I try to look past the ocean under my surface,
trying to hide it,
it's more than an ocean,
it's waves crashing down on jagged rocks
they can't catch each other,
a spinning whirly-gig that your eyes can't focus on,
my body jittering at such high speeds that it gives the illusion of something
bigger, something stiller,
something solid,
but try to touch and you'll feel nothing but vibration,
your hand slipping through my cheek like
the junior mints in my popcorn
lost until you get to the bottom of it
except there's no container
and it's infinity kernels,
infinity depth,
infinity loss of chocolate mints
and I'm begging you to contain me
but I think you like my chaos,
the angry clouds of dust building in my vision
and pushing me further to a chasm,
pieces of me smeared on the pavement
sidewalk chalk melted by the hose and hot sunshine
I'm so transparent
I'm so unstable
Nobody can hold onto me
because I'm everywhere at once
drowning myself with my own contents
my particles pulsing at an atomic rate
This isn't what you think it is.

time

sometimes I'm pretty sure the world doesn't move fast enough for me

but maybe too fast

feathers aren't enough for these wings

I tried, I tried to tell you

I wasn't meant to live in these conditions

it's not enough

and I can't say everything I want to

canning my feelings like mom's peaches in late august

swimming in light syrup 

every other jar exploding in shards of glass 

under all the heat, all the pressure--

i miss you

butterfly

I guess the best part is the liberation, really, the open-your-arms acceptance of a journey that sends you up, up, upwards--

shooting you up rather than pushing you down, singing between your ears and opening your mouth like cool air. at first the feeling is subtle, a growth that is painful and begs to be dismissed like an itch, but somewhere along the way a switch is turned and your eyes open wider than they did before and you realize the growth is exactly what you're here for, exactly what you've been begging for, the progress you want to see, that you're constantly in a state of change for the better or the worse and

this time,

THIS TIME,

it's for the better and reaching your goals is only half of the satisfaction, the craving for different subsides as you pass through a time that seems a little lighter, more flowers, maybe someone waiting for you as you're breaking through, unraveling your cocoon, trying to lift your wet wings but they're sticking together

and through all this you realize that the breaking through, the lifting, the sticking, it's your strongest moment and you'll never be this strong again, that once it's over you'll be just as fragile as you were when you started, but instead of on the ground you'll be in the air and you'll see things differently--

but here, with your dripping wings and your sore legs you'll realize that you have everything you need to get there, that you've inched yourself here and now it's time, and you'll never be as determined or as strong or as patient as you are in this moment,

waiting,

anticipating,

chasing the sky.

courage

courage, I cry, as my breath heaves in,
time is your only enemy and the minutes put their hands around my throat,
strangling me, the bruises aching beneath their grip, my gasps holding under their spell
I know they won’t stop, and I like it, my soul in anarchy against their control
courage,
my stomach heaves in anticipation of the next blow,
I’m able to stop it but I can’t,
trapped in the shackles of my own anxiety and trepidation,
my wrists rubbing raw, I regret every attempt of escape
I want you to help me, point me in the right direction, hand me a key,
but I know you won’t come

the most essential nutrient

I always imagine it more like a sizzle,
cold droplets dissipating on first contact
hot metal eating away at them, scarfing them down,
one second
and it's in the air
in your mouth
caressing your skin, warming your fingertips,
it will fall with you
and silently mirror your innards
and you can't get rid of it
because you don't know it's there.

hey hey,
I'm waiting for you.

smoke windows

so did you just stop writing? the words I held onto for so long drift like smoke between my ears, an empty head full of mists that resemble something substantial, playing on my emotions like they hold the power that my brain might.
               
              but where did it go?
where did you go, your words always painting a picture of my emotions, giving voice to things I couldn't say. now I'm here and it's 11:11 and I'm confused about where you went and why you thought you could just disappear, and I have so many things to ask you, and I don't know why it's always you I think about when I'm alone with myself and my smoke-brain.

maybe it's your words, lingering like unwanted guests in the forgotten corners of my brain. can you dust while you're back there?

if you were here I'd tell you about how my eyes sting when I think about your hugs, wrapping around me and keeping me safe. I'd tell you about how much your words meant when I was burrowing deeper into my homemade pit of self-pity and distaste, how I knew you never got impatient with listening to me or making me feel better.

or maybe you did, maybe that's why you stopped, came over to say goodbye, went on a plane and never resurfaced from the oceans of your own self-discovery. maybe this whole time I was a weight and you were strong until you weren't.

anyway, I need you and I need the broken glass and hours of smoke, folding around me in beams of colored and entering my brain while I dance, dance, dance--

I knew I would never be able to let you go.

unreality

playing in my mind
walking through forests of uncertainty
dew droplets shimmering like some kind of incandescent
hidden giddiness
smoke billowing into rays of sunshine
every morning a choice,
every evening a consequence

"eat it up, it's yours"

I don't want to but I can't stop
I never wanted to start
fever dreams bleeding into a porous reality,
trusting the sponge of my senses while it's completely
saturated with tainted versions of the stories I tell myself

"just take it"

reaching out but I can't feel it
am I dreaming?
the glittery outline taunts me with its promise  of something
tangible, a void-filling presence that is exactly what
everyone is telling me I want

shh, shh, shh,
sounds of the wind echo closer
or is it the ocean?

invisible

I've never been invisible before. I'm used to the light, bathing in it and banging things around a little louder than normal, telling stories with my hands and winking magic into ordinary situations. Now I'm almost completely transparent, a tissue paper flipping around in the kitchen and burning up when it touches open flames.

When you look at me, I see everything I could be and I know you see me like I want to be seen. I'm illuminated again when I'm around you, you feel like home and you feel like comfort, and  I hang onto the ends of all your sentences.

Then I'm not with you, and I'm back to this empty uncomfortable nothing that forms like a ball in my stomach, ignored and drifting again like some discarded piece of plastic in an ocean filled with identical waste, gasping for air. I'm sick with some kind of loneliness that I've never felt before.

Please, come back.

according to your palette

is it my mind and then words,
words and then my mind,
swirling back and forth like some sort of
soup,
(the kind with letters)

rocking my body
rolling it on the mattress
kneading it like some sort of
bread
(the kind with air pockets)

I’m a little flimsy,
attacking sporadically
without warning like some sort of
curry
(the kind with boiled potatoes)

if you leave me alone for too long
my senses war with themselves
molding and stinking like some sort of
vegetable
(the kind like spinach left in the bottom drawer)

it’s a tough buy for sure,
you could go with a safer option
something predictable like some sort of
granola bar
(the kind with little chocolate chips and dehydrated                         marshmallows)

but when you find me,
you’ll be warm in the most unexpected way
feelings like the kind around
waffles
             (the kind you make on a Sunday morning in the middle of an                   embrace, spilling them all over the counter, filling every                   pocket with something different; kissing sticky fingers and                 untangling ratted hair—the best kind that takes a while to                   eat but fills you right to the top)