My Fault

Frustrating.
Infuriating.
Angering.
Saddening.

Jealousy.
and Regret.

I let the tears fall
and cradle my face in the pillow.

confession time

I have a confession to make.

The only thing I've eaten all day is celery and peanut butter.

I have a confession to make.

I spend too much time on the internet.

I have a confession to make.

I wish it was Christmas.

I have a confession to make.

I want to move away to a foreign place and never see any of these people again.

I have a confession to make.

When I fall in love, I never get over them.

I have a confession to make.

I love the rain.

I have a confession to make.

I give up too easily. 

I have a confession to make.

I write on this blog way too much, considering how little attention it gets from everyone else.

Dreams

I'm running.
I'm running through New York and screaming your name. Why? I don't know. But I can't stop. Tears stream down my face and I'm searching...searching. Searching for somebody who cares. The wind whips my hair around my face and I'm blinded for a moment. It starts to rain and I panic. The subway train comes closer and I can't move my feet. The horn sounds and I'm frozen. Faster, faster, closer, closer. I wince as the lights near my face and then everything goes black.


I'm in a classroom. A classroom full of people I know and people I've cared for. He's looking and me and I can't read his emotions. I stare straight into his eyes and I know he can see right through their amber glow. I want to break away, but I can't. I let him in. I let him know. His eyes reflect hate and I know he doesn't care. Its only a game. Its only for his enjoyment that he sees me suffer. Then he starts to laugh and I fall on the floor.


I'm falling.
Falling backwards into the water, where fish touch my feet and the sand scratches my skin. My shirt sticks close to my skin, and and moves with the current. I stare at the sun and watch the birds. I hear nothing. The sun warms my skin and I close my eyes. I start to sink, and I realize that I don't care. Where I go or what happens to me is only a myth and nobody knows me. Light refracts through the water as I open my eyes..


I'm at a carnival. Color blurs around me and sound fills my ears. I search for a friendly face. I can't calm down. I'm desperate. I feel breath on my neck and I whip around. Its him again. He looks down and studies my face. I can't handle it. I sputter out words and tears seem to flood out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm crazy. I know I'm bothering you. I know you hate me. You never talk to me. Its my fault. I'm sorry." The words never stop. And then throughout the endless flow of nonsensical apologies, his hands lift my face and he just looks at me. He looks at me and says, "I don't care." and my thoughts run through my head, and I tell myself, I knew it. I knew he didn't care. Why could I ever think he could care? He doesn't. I turn to run and all at once he snaps me back to his gaze, his piercing stare. The kids running around us are invisible, and the noise drowns into static. He says, "No. I don't care. I don't care that you're sorry because I don't want you to be sorry. The person who should be sorry is me." And he puts his arms around me and kisses me, right there, and we are oblivious. 


I'm cold. I'm wet and its black. I feel around and coarse burlap rubs against my sore skin. My limp body is thrown back and forth, bumping itself and...something else. The burlap separates me from whatever the mass is that bruises my chest and arms. I struggle for air and I can't breathe. Muffled voices echo in my ears like the sound of anger. Searing pain in my head overtakes me and I can't think of anything else. Nothing but the pain...


I round a corner and slip past the cameras. I open a door and see a garden. A garden that is exclusive for the world, and its just me and my conscience..


And I find myself in his embrace once more. He's holding me and I'm crying. Crying for something I lost, somebody who is gone..


I taste the snow on my tongue. Its warm and dissolves at the touch. Its satisfying and despite the fact that I haven't eaten anything in days, its only a little like Christmas dinner.


He's here again. He's here telling me everything. Its bittersweet when he sees me, and I can see his remorse and his guilt. Who is he? I thought I knew...




I wake up and its all a dream. It's in my head, it's the brainchild of my desires. Only he will never be there, I'm not dead, and I'm only half as frightened. It haunts me and becomes part of me.

give me a reason

Please, give me a reason to believe in myself.
Give me a reason to run. To stop eating sugar. To look good. To feel good. To go out and run like there is no tomorrow. The moment has come and gone, and I've become a couch potato. I'm not motivated and I'm not ready to be skinny.

Give me a reason to do my homework. I'm tired of turning work in on time and always getting A's.
I'm tired of the teachers who "want me to do so well" and know that I will as long as they say that. They know that as long as they "believe in me" that I will go home and study until I understand.
I'm tired of it.

Give me that reason to stop liking him. Who cares? Why does it matter? So what if there's no way anything will ever happen, and no way we could be friends. I'm tired of friends getting mad at me because they think I will "get hurt". The truth is, I'm already hurt. I'm already broken, I've already been bruised, and right now I'm not ready to mend my wounds. I'm tired of stealing glances and I'm tired of wishing. I'm tired of laying in my bed every night and wondering what will happen to me tomorrow, or if the next day will be any better.

Give me a reason to get ready in the morning. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm not worried about how my hair looks all the time. If I come to school with my hair wet every morning, it is not any different than when I come after an hour of getting ready. I'm tired of waking up, and I'm tired of mascara and worrying about how I look. I'm tired of Lone Peak and all of its fetishes and popular people. I'm tired of fashion trends and I'm tired of people asking me if I'm sick when I don't wear makeup.

Give me a reason to care. I honestly don't care what people think. I don't care if they talk behind my back about how strange or how moody I am. The facts are there and anybody is free to spread them. I'm tired of not knowing where I fit in, and I'm tired of walking around at lunch until I find a group that will almost reluctantly let me in. I'm tired of thinking that I need friends to be cool, and thinking I need to be cool at all. I'm just tired of feeling so worried about it. I'm tired of worrying about a prom date, and wondering when a boy will actually like me.

I can't find the reason, so give me one. Give me a reason why I'm living like this. Why I'm living life perfectly, step by step, the same routine every day. Just like a wind-up doll, I'll eventually snap out of this redundant way of life. But for now, there's not any way to change. I'm only sixteen and I'm only toying with my very future. (notice the thick sarcasm in my voice.) The person I want to be is lost and the person everybody else wants me to be is quickly emerging.

I want..

Looking for a man who:

Has an honest opinion. 

Will sing Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald with me in the kitchen.

Loves hot chocolate and biscotti.

Enjoys a good classic book. Namely the Hunger Games. And Henry David Thoreau.

Will lay in a pile of leaves with me and just smile.

A man who will never let me win in a snowball fight, but always start one.

Someone who has time for cowboy hats and beef jerky.

Who will sweep me off my feet--even after fast sunday dinner.

A guy who praises my cooking even when I accidentely use chili powder instead of cinnamon.

Be there when I'm hurt, but only to hug me. 

Be the one to jump in the ball pit with me and ride on the everlastingly long ferris wheel.

A man who will Smile and do the things I want to do; even if they terrify him.

Force me to do the things he loves, and tolerate my every complaint.

Remember me.

Never lose sight of eternal goals, and expect me to stay on that same path.

Keeps me in line.

Who will never buy a Mac computer.

Talks to me about anything; talks to me about love, about scriptures, about politics.

We'll Climb trees with me and make a treehouse.

Have adventures and never stop.

Shop at DI until we couldn't possibly have any more ugly sweaters for our family pictures.

Surprise me.

Send me youtube videos of olympic bloopers, selena gomez, and mormon messages.

A man who isn't perfect and knows he isn't.

Be my penpal.

Be my best friend.

Love me unconditionally.

More importantly, love god unconditionally.

Know where his true treasure lies.

And always, always, put the milk back into the fridge.