webby, stuck in a pyramid of contradiction, pulled between love and obligation, happy to be where they meet but unable to find their overlap. i am, tangled in a love song of pain and regret, tortured by a guilt for something i forgot, drowning in responsibilities that i haven't been given. reach out to me, i'll pretend like i don't see you, draw back your hand, i'll blame you for my fall.
i know what's happening, i just can't understand why, i don't have as clear of a mind as you do, as crystal thoughts, as stable a person. you know who you are, even when you say you don't, you know you don't know. i am, sure of who i am and then twisting with the wind to see my inner demons, hanging out for everyone to look at and for everyone to criticize. the final judgement is today, everyone knows and everyone can see, touch me, handle my weaknesses like a wild animal, trying to cage me in, but i've already caged myself in my own torture chamber because i deserve it.
i am,
not trying to sabotage and torch every good thing, i am, trying to save it. i'm not a savior, though, i don't have the skills, my heart is bigger than my arms and i can't carry everything i say i can. i am asking for help when i don't need it and trying to find my foundation again. it must be down there somewhere, , ,
give me the world and i'll smile and thank you before shattering it and handing you the pieces. you'll think me ungrateful and tell me you're disappointed, i'll cry and you'll be more disappointed, and then i'll keep crying and you'll yell and tell me i'm not enough, that it's my fault, and i'll say it's my fault, and you'll say you're doing it again, and i'll feel angry but terrified and also sad and i won't know what to do or who to turn to. everyone i turn to turns on me and nobody keeps a secret these days.
i am,
motionless against the wall, scrutinizing my own moves, painfully aware of myself and trying to understand the swarms of personality that are around me. life is different than before, i've gained a hyper-awareness that twists itself into my head until my brain falls into my heart and makes a feeling-soup, and that pours out all over you and all over your perception. it tastes a little like tomato but more like tears and heartbreak, and i'm asking you to put me together again because i don't know how and i'm scared, but you don't know how either and that scares me more. so now i'm sitting braindead in a soup of myself and don't want to move because it's warm.
