Monday, June 27, 2016

loved to pieces

Everyone tells me the world doesn't revolve around one person and that life isn't fair. I know life isn't fair. I've had my fair share and I know what its like to be the person with the smaller slice of pie. I also know what it's like to have the biggest slice of pie, and to look down at everyone else and think, oh, wow, gee, my slice is bigger and I know what it is like to not share. I hate myself for that and I regret it every time I wake up with a stomachache.

Sometimes I look around and it seems like the colors around me are getting dimmer. Like we're all a piece of a masterpiece and we're becoming artifacts, slowly. The colors that were once so bright are fading and nobody even notices, because we're fading too. And soon the paint will start to flake off, and then break in bigger chunks, taking faces and flowers and the sunshine away with it and we will just be left with a blank canvas again, perfectly white but so empty and void of life.

I never thought I was a pessimist. I never believed there was anything wrong with me.

I've turned my back on every friend I've ever had, and I don't even know if they consider themselves my friends. Or if they did. Maybe I'm too dull to see the reality of the fake smiles because I never get anything genuine. I joke a lot about how much I talk. I guess it's true.

I pretend like I think nobody cares about me. And then when people do, they really care, they really want to talk to me, and help, and be kind and love me but I just can't let them do it. It feels like I'm allowing them to make a stupid decision, to love something so lifeless, discarded and worthless that they are going to be expending their love on something that's already gone. It's wasteful, it's pointless, it won't do anything but speed the process up. I'm like a really old stuffed animal. You know, the beloved Beanie Baby. I was loved by the baby and squeezed and then I was loved more by the dog and chewed on and I was left out in the sandbox and refound again with tearful gratitude, and now my limbs are falling off and some people want to put me up on the shelf like a collectible so I won't break, and some people keep trying to hug me and love me and it's just making everything worse. I'm pretty sure I've already lost a few stitches today.

Never expect more than you need because when you do you'll just be broken.