Dreams

I'm running.
I'm running through New York and screaming your name. Why? I don't know. But I can't stop. Tears stream down my face and I'm searching...searching. Searching for somebody who cares. The wind whips my hair around my face and I'm blinded for a moment. It starts to rain and I panic. The subway train comes closer and I can't move my feet. The horn sounds and I'm frozen. Faster, faster, closer, closer. I wince as the lights near my face and then everything goes black.


I'm in a classroom. A classroom full of people I know and people I've cared for. He's looking and me and I can't read his emotions. I stare straight into his eyes and I know he can see right through their amber glow. I want to break away, but I can't. I let him in. I let him know. His eyes reflect hate and I know he doesn't care. Its only a game. Its only for his enjoyment that he sees me suffer. Then he starts to laugh and I fall on the floor.


I'm falling.
Falling backwards into the water, where fish touch my feet and the sand scratches my skin. My shirt sticks close to my skin, and and moves with the current. I stare at the sun and watch the birds. I hear nothing. The sun warms my skin and I close my eyes. I start to sink, and I realize that I don't care. Where I go or what happens to me is only a myth and nobody knows me. Light refracts through the water as I open my eyes..


I'm at a carnival. Color blurs around me and sound fills my ears. I search for a friendly face. I can't calm down. I'm desperate. I feel breath on my neck and I whip around. Its him again. He looks down and studies my face. I can't handle it. I sputter out words and tears seem to flood out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm crazy. I know I'm bothering you. I know you hate me. You never talk to me. Its my fault. I'm sorry." The words never stop. And then throughout the endless flow of nonsensical apologies, his hands lift my face and he just looks at me. He looks at me and says, "I don't care." and my thoughts run through my head, and I tell myself, I knew it. I knew he didn't care. Why could I ever think he could care? He doesn't. I turn to run and all at once he snaps me back to his gaze, his piercing stare. The kids running around us are invisible, and the noise drowns into static. He says, "No. I don't care. I don't care that you're sorry because I don't want you to be sorry. The person who should be sorry is me." And he puts his arms around me and kisses me, right there, and we are oblivious. 


I'm cold. I'm wet and its black. I feel around and coarse burlap rubs against my sore skin. My limp body is thrown back and forth, bumping itself and...something else. The burlap separates me from whatever the mass is that bruises my chest and arms. I struggle for air and I can't breathe. Muffled voices echo in my ears like the sound of anger. Searing pain in my head overtakes me and I can't think of anything else. Nothing but the pain...


I round a corner and slip past the cameras. I open a door and see a garden. A garden that is exclusive for the world, and its just me and my conscience..


And I find myself in his embrace once more. He's holding me and I'm crying. Crying for something I lost, somebody who is gone..


I taste the snow on my tongue. Its warm and dissolves at the touch. Its satisfying and despite the fact that I haven't eaten anything in days, its only a little like Christmas dinner.


He's here again. He's here telling me everything. Its bittersweet when he sees me, and I can see his remorse and his guilt. Who is he? I thought I knew...




I wake up and its all a dream. It's in my head, it's the brainchild of my desires. Only he will never be there, I'm not dead, and I'm only half as frightened. It haunts me and becomes part of me.