it's me

sawing, sawing,
eating away at me,
asking me,
begging me,
toying with my fingers
and my brain
sawing until the tape got thinner
until the break could
finally be on me,
I'm the curse,
it's me,
I tried,
I fell,
down,
down,
do
d
.

I just have to write this down.

I just have to write this down,
I have to,
before my head explodes
because of all the feelings,
feeling,
leaking into my veins on accident
and into my brain
and it gets a little stuck
and suffocates me a little.

I just have to say,
that I know how it is,
I know how you feel,
how we are,
I know,
you'll tell me a hundred times how
stupid I am for thinking otherwise
if I ever try to explain,
I know,
it's just that,
it's only,
I'm not mad,
I'm confused,
and I realized--
you treat me differently when you're with her.
and I can't understand why,
when with anyone else,
I still feel so loved and missed,
and when you're with her,
you push me away,
you have to pretend to be
someone else.
I don't know.

I care

dew drop irises
and streaky curls of hair 
I brush them down 
And scratch your head 
To show how much I care.


Each time I find a pretty verse
Or feel something’s unfair 
I want to show you,
Talk it out,
to show you that I care.


I know your favorites,
All the foods,
The colors, 
Things we share, 
I’ll clean the cupboards and the floors
To show how much I care.


I worry for your safety
And ask for you in prayer, 
Your happiness is my concern 
And I’ll always be there
When you feel that all is lost
Or drowning in despair
I’ll be there to pull you out 


that’s how much I care. 

because this is what I want.

maybe I'm too much of everything,
you ever thought of that?
maybe I give you too much credit,
maybe you think I have issues,
but maybe we all have issues and I'm the only one who wants to solve mine.
I never thought you thought my writing was too depressing.
I thought you loved me as I was,
crazy writing,
optimism,
passion and all.
I guess I was wrong,
but I guess that's the optimism again.
I didn't know you were waiting for me to sleep before you could come back.
Psycho psycho me,
I'm a new adjective.
And while you’re out at the bar,
Lying to me every night,
Everyone says "good luck with her,"
Everyone says I'm overthinking,
but I guess I want to overthink rather than underthink,
to defend my friends rather than lose them,
to be on time rather than late,
to be reliable instead of spontaneous,
I want to radiate,
but everyone put their sunglasses on and they can't see how hard I'm trying.
I'm reaching out with every ray of light I have,
bursting with energy and motivation,
trying to burn out the scars from before,
and they're turning away,
whispering behind me about how ugly I'm becoming,
they wish I would harden and die,
any part of the star cycle has its faults and
that's all they see.
So I guess if I want to hang with the cool kids I've got to put the glasses on too,
pretend like I can't hear them,
pretend like they aren't poisoning me and each other,
pretend like the flames are under control,
pretend,
pretend,
pretend
It's not what I want.