new

there aren't enough emotions to describe what I'm feeling. I don't know where to write about it, or who to talk to about it, because whenever I try, it comes out broken like ice shards or as hot as glowing coals. its something like love but something like anger, sprinkled with jealous notes with an aftertaste of confusion. every thought that comes in one end changes before it exits, chased away by a contradiction. certainty is something I chase, but confusion isn't everything that I feel. prick me and I'll pop, nudge me and I'll harden. my heart turns in minutes from soft to silent, bitter to open, and I don't know who I want to be. one hour I'm ready to conquer the world, the next I'm hiding myself from the world. do I want to help, or do I need to hide? have I hit the bottom, or am I climbing higher? where are my feet planted--in love, or in law? my loyalties are strewn in every corner of the rocky road, and pieces of myself are glued to different people. i've lost the respect of people I love and I can't respect myself in the process. starving for affirmations, my lungs breathe in any attention they can get and weep when i'm alone. as soon as I feel something is right, that I'm doing the right thing, going in the right way, and then something pushes me back and i'm forced to backtrack, back to the place i was, away from the progress i've made. i'm constantly searching for a solution and tunneling myself back into a damp hole without direction. i guess it's me, i guess it's me.