goodnight you beautiful girl

Typing nonsense to memorize that I'll forget two weeks later.
Working for the grade, working for the numbers.
Always the numbers,
Numbers make sense.
I'm holding a mango flavored popsicle in my hand and I don't have enough time to lick the drips running down the dense, cracking wood of the stick and onto my dry knuckles and flaky skin.
I'll never have the time to make a peanut butter sandwich for a starving child in Africa
or order a pan pizza from Dominos.
I'm running out of seconds in my never-ending tetris game and I'm counting the days until I can stop taking my vitamins. I can feel salty wet under my eyelids but I whisper, Stop. We can't have that. It doesn't fit in our schedule.
 7:20 Drive to school
7:22 Honk at the person who cut in front of you
7:25 Make eye contact with a lamp
7:28 Park
I'm sorry, I can't fit that smile into my schedule.
I'm sorry, I can't fit that boy into my schedule.
I'm sorry, I just simply can't fit you or thoughts of you or anything or any person or any glance or thought or moment into my schedule.

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking into planned nothingness with no ultimate goal or purpose, swimming without water wings and drifting into space without a lifeline, calling for help but gasping for oxygen.
My sternum breaks under the pressure of all the lists stacked on top of me that I've never completed.
Literally I feel like I have a collapsed lung when I see faces of the past in my nightmares.
Last night I dreamt of you and your wonderful touch and your knowing hands. Hands that caressed my face and touched the hollow of my waist and begged me to forgive you. Hands that made bracelets in a weird sort of way and always bought me Roxberry. Your breath in a whisper caught me instantly and suddenly I was in love with a boy who I never see and talk to like he never left when I see him. And all I hear is love, love, love me. And I trip and fall and stumble and never blush. I wish I could blush.
And all the time you are drifting away, still softly humming, "Goodnight you beautiful girl. Goodnight."