back

Pedaling without much triumph over the hill,
I glance behind me, seeing nothing but gravel and dust.
Gravel and dust that once gave me purpose and hope but
that has lost its shimmer and its brilliance.
I look at the mirrors that tremble under the pressure and see
faces of those who I thought I knew.
One who was the tallest,
the counselor,
the meme-loving 4 o clocker,
the best.
Surroundings change my perception and
I'm not really sure what I am looking at anymore.

Back and I try not to hate the reality before me
try not to judge
try not to vomit words over those who don't need them
Help me before my hands reach helplessly
for a grip that is only an illusion of security
a practiced deceiver
the knower of lies and twisted truths.

Back and I slipped in like a whisper
without much hope of fame
I cut through the crowds,
leaving shards of emptiness in my wake.

Back and it is entirely cold
full of faked greeting and love
too far away from formed expectaions

Back and I wish
I could just decide
On who I was already.

SEEYASOON

sisterkallipaige.blogspot.com

no such thing

no such thing as watches that tick forever

no such thing as unicorns

never seen a jackal-ope

never has my face stayed clean

losers never won the race

and  the rocking chair never stayed dark green

smiles faded 

laughs died

and when she did,

the angels cried.

'cause living isn't for the perfect, 

or the broken-hearted souls

her soft sobs broke the silence

and created black, empty, holes

that ripped through light, that tore, relentless

aware of the damage that'd been done

Give me more, sweet sorrow,

End the torment, 

because tomorrow,

sunshine breathes a last wave of heat

and pores soak up the lasting sweat

of a person who was never more 

than a never-ending bet. 

                                           

                                                    

I throw hard

If you're lucky, your reflexes will benefit you. Because I'm throwing my feelings and emotions at you, and surely, they will cut you like the broken shards from the stained glass window you broke a year ago. Give me the reassurance and facts I deserve, because I deserve more. I'm an untainted vessel that is waiting for something to fill me. The newly discovered void that is now embedded in my heart breathes audibly and growls with something like hunger. It wasn't until that day some months ago, that I realized I needed you. I expected you to be larger than you were. Up until now I thought you would satisfy my emptiness.

But I'm second guessing my choice because the food I've chosen doesn't agree with me and the key that I found lying dusty under the couch doesn't seem to fit in the lock. If, truly, I believed you, you would be mine.

Ideally: Qualities: Blue eyes. (But, maybe brown. Or, maybe green. I don't want to accidentally mark you as a bad fish.) Strong hands. Honest, always. Always honest. Unquestioning. Stalwart and unmovable before God. A friend. A counselor. Respectful. Motivated. Smiles at me with something that he doesn't recognize, but that only I can see. Is always happy to see me. Jumps at the opportunity to spend time with me. Puts me above "bro nights" and if I'm not invited, he doesn't go.

Skills: Musical (Again with the bad fish comment--Just like music and sing even if you can't, please). Can cook a mean egg. Can eat a mean banana bread. Has a great cuddling arm. Knows when to be impulsive and when to regulate himself (Is this a quality?). Will be able to fix things, or be brave enough to call a repair man. Can throw a frisbee and shoot a basketball (Can range anywhere from novice-professional). Can sew a button on pants. Can do laundry (Specifically iron button down shirts, because I'm simply nowhere close to that). Can study and pray like nobody's business. Can cut little boys' hair. Knows how to floss. Puts on sunscreen so he doesn't get skin cancer. Reminds me to put on sunscreen so I don't get skin cancer. Can drive for a long time and sing in the car. Will play games with me and not get mad when he loses but also won't let me win on purpose. Won't be mad that I don't like card games. Vaccuming up and squishing spiders.  

Unconditionally: Love me above all else but God, and respect my opinions. 

I'm not saying I deserve any part of this. But I'm trying not to give up on hope that I'm not a mangled creature that is subject to the will of any man or boy. I'm not necessarily a feminist but I'm definitely a woman and I at least deserve to be treated as such. 

Sorry about this.