give me a reason

Please, give me a reason to believe in myself.
Give me a reason to run. To stop eating sugar. To look good. To feel good. To go out and run like there is no tomorrow. The moment has come and gone, and I've become a couch potato. I'm not motivated and I'm not ready to be skinny.

Give me a reason to do my homework. I'm tired of turning work in on time and always getting A's.
I'm tired of the teachers who "want me to do so well" and know that I will as long as they say that. They know that as long as they "believe in me" that I will go home and study until I understand.
I'm tired of it.

Give me that reason to stop liking him. Who cares? Why does it matter? So what if there's no way anything will ever happen, and no way we could be friends. I'm tired of friends getting mad at me because they think I will "get hurt". The truth is, I'm already hurt. I'm already broken, I've already been bruised, and right now I'm not ready to mend my wounds. I'm tired of stealing glances and I'm tired of wishing. I'm tired of laying in my bed every night and wondering what will happen to me tomorrow, or if the next day will be any better.

Give me a reason to get ready in the morning. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm not worried about how my hair looks all the time. If I come to school with my hair wet every morning, it is not any different than when I come after an hour of getting ready. I'm tired of waking up, and I'm tired of mascara and worrying about how I look. I'm tired of Lone Peak and all of its fetishes and popular people. I'm tired of fashion trends and I'm tired of people asking me if I'm sick when I don't wear makeup.

Give me a reason to care. I honestly don't care what people think. I don't care if they talk behind my back about how strange or how moody I am. The facts are there and anybody is free to spread them. I'm tired of not knowing where I fit in, and I'm tired of walking around at lunch until I find a group that will almost reluctantly let me in. I'm tired of thinking that I need friends to be cool, and thinking I need to be cool at all. I'm just tired of feeling so worried about it. I'm tired of worrying about a prom date, and wondering when a boy will actually like me.

I can't find the reason, so give me one. Give me a reason why I'm living like this. Why I'm living life perfectly, step by step, the same routine every day. Just like a wind-up doll, I'll eventually snap out of this redundant way of life. But for now, there's not any way to change. I'm only sixteen and I'm only toying with my very future. (notice the thick sarcasm in my voice.) The person I want to be is lost and the person everybody else wants me to be is quickly emerging.

Things that have happened.

1. I got a job.

2. I quit my job.*

3. I got grounded.

4. I read Hunger Games. Again.**

5. I officially stopped doing my hair.

6. I stopped eating.***

7. I got a twitter...okay, I started writing on my twitter that is age old.

8. The circumference of a circle is..ACT Prep.****

9. I have gotten to the point where I could cry at any given moment.*****

10. I am inadequate.

*Okay, don't jump on my back about this. Truth is, I only went through a few days of training. But after a while, I realized that I simply couldn't handle it. I mean, sure, I want a job. But I don't need one. I felt I needed responsibility and money at the moment, but truth is, that is the last thing I need. I have too much of the previous and the latter will just have to wait. So, I'm going to work in the summer. So technically I didn't quit. I just postponed.

**Oh my gosh. How could I love Hunger Games more? I couldn't. I finished that whole dang book in less than 24 hours and could hardly call it wasting time. Can't wait for the movie, and can't believe I'm not going to the midnight premiere. Those of you who can go--you better go.

***I'm not anorexic. I just forget to eat. I'm not even hungry....Okay well I ate like a whole bag of movie theatre butter microwave popcorn the other day. That was pretty substantial.

****So scared for the ACT. I actually really shouldn't be on the computer right now...I really should be studying. Okay better wrap this up.

*****Sigh. Dread. Consider my last post--this is how I've been thinking and feeling for the past few weeks. In reference to #10, I'm simply inadequate. I do everything wrong. I can't understand physics and, just school. I don't understand this boy. I want to get asked to prom. I know I won't. Its okay. Just keep telling yourself that, right?